One of the goals I have for all my clients (and myself!) is increased speed in recovering balance. How quickly can we come back to center when we’ve been knocked off? This is a critical skill to develop because when we’re off balance we make poor decisions, lose control of our emotions, act impulsively, say things we can’t take back, and add stress to our bodies.

The first task to recovering balance is noticing you lost it in the first place. This is an easy task in the physical world. Try standing on your tip-toes on one foot and you’ll know when you’re balanced and when you’re not. Physical balance is as familiar to us as the other five senses—sight, taste, smell, touch and hearing. We take it for granted and can generally choose the situations where our balance will be challenged.

Emotional balance, on the other hand, gets pulled out from under us in a flash. Someone screws up on something important, our kid dribbles chocolate sauce all over the final report, we receive bad news, the deadline gets moved up to tomorrow. We cannot choose when the world will give us a shove and knock us off center. We can say to ourselves: “I’m off-center. That puts me at risk. I need to find my balance again.”

First, identify what kinds of events trigger you. Some folks can parry intense and complex, fast moving problems without batting an eye. They stay calm in the moment, they continue to listen and think. They get curious instead of reactive. For others of us the bar is quite low when we lose our calm— we find ourselves 10 minutes late to an important meeting and the whole day is colored by that event. So take notice over the next week—see if you can identify when you are not your best self, what set you off and how long it took you to re-balance.

Next you need some quick-acting tools for recovery in the moment.

• First and foremost you must identify to yourself that you are off-balance and therefore at risk. Naming your state of mind takes you more than half-way to successful regrouping.

• Breathe deeply and slowly. This will slow your heart down, force you not to yell immediately and give you a moment to gather yourself. When we are triggered we react instinctually and primitively (think fight or flight). The goal of deep breathing is to side-step this loop when possible so that we have access to our thinking minds instead of the knee-jerk reactions of our primitive brain stems.

• Go quiet instead of loud. Yelling amps us up and heightens our distress.

• Focus, focus, focus. Choose one issue to focus on and start asking questions. Try very hard to take any emotional load off the questions you are asking and see if you can manage a curious and emotionally neutral tone. This is not easy—but it should be your intent.

• Excuse yourself if you are floundering. If you are seeing red, feel physically constricted and know you are not in control of yourself, disengage. In one on ones it’s not so hard to do- just say “hey— give me a few minutes to get my head around this. I’m upset and I want to calm down before we talk about it.” When you’re in a group it’s definitely more awkward to absent yourself and it’s also harder to reconvene all the people. I suggest you get to the white board (a version of absenting yourself) and ask the group to brainstorm solutions while you write and calm down.

And finally, some suggestions for developing resiliency so that you are triggered less.

• Get quiet every day for at least 15 minutes. You may wish to develop a formal meditation practice or simply lie down and breathe. Lives that are overloaded, and stressed desperately need time to empty and get quiet. When you train your mind to disengage and stop the incessant and often irrelevant whir you can draw on this ability at will.

• Practice the following breathing pattern: inhale for 4 counts, hold for 4 counts, exhale for 4 counts. Do this for 5 minutes. As you get better, see if the counts can be extended to 5 then 6 and even longer.

• Reach out to assist someone else who is in a challenging situation. Notice the tools and skills you naturally access and have available any time. Watch what they do in stress and learn from them.

• Stretch your body. It is very difficult for a tightly coiled body to respond to stress with relaxation. Enable your mind to become more resilient by inviting a practice of physical resiliency into your life. Yoga, Tai Chi, dance are a few ways to loosen up.

• Identify what you learned from the latest challenge. Shift your perspective and your language so that killer challenges carry with them opportunity and growth.

Resilient people problem solve with a calm, confident knowledge that they can and will overcome adversity. They approach challenges with learning agility: the ability to learn from each experience, positive or negative. They are conversant with their strengths and draw on them intentionally when the going gets tough. They come back to center quickly, take a deep breath, and ready themselves for whatever comes next.

The best leaders of all, the people know not they exist.
They turn to each other and say ‘We did it ourselves.’
~ Zen Saying

Dina Silver, MCC, is the Principal of Pegasus Coaching Group.

I specialize in leadership coaching working with senior executives and their teams to create great leaders and high impact groups. I have enjoyed success working with technically proficient people who need guidance in developing the interpersonal skills that are essential to effective and compelling leadership.

My background in the entertainment industry as a feature film and interactive game producer effectively assists me in helping leaders develop powerful executive presence so that ideas and challenging initiatives are met with keen interest and excitement. In order to lead, people must be excited to follow!

I have enjoyed trusted advisor status with high performance individuals, teams and organizations, coaching in high tech, entertainment, banking, and marketing.

I hold a B.A. in United States History from Princeton University. I am a Master Certified Coach (MCC) and hold my credentialing through the International Coach Federation. In addition, I am certified in a range of assessment tools including DISC and PIAV, and am an active member of Professional Coaches and Mentors Association (PCMA) and the International Coach Federation (ICF). I am married, have two teenage kids, two fat black cats and live in Santa Monica, CA.

If you are interested in learning more about how my work may be of value to you and your organization, please get in touch. I am happy to offer interested prospects a complimentary and confidential half hour coaching session so you can take me and coaching for a test drive.