“If you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all.” Remember that timeless adage? Well what a bunch of hooey! Of course there’s no value in saying unkind things for the sole purpose of hurting someone’s feelings. You may have actually recoiled at the title of this month’s newsletter—after all, who would ever tell an adoring parent that their little one is an eyesore? But beyond mean and thoughtless comments there’s an essential conversational arena we must explore if we are to deepen our relationships, improve our work environments, effectively manage staff and raise our children well. I refer to the land of constructive criticism and we must become expert as both givers and receivers.

Being critical is easy. But constructive criticism—the more refined and productive brand of critical feedback – is an art few of us have mastered. Instead, our canvases are splattered with unfair, unkind, unskilled and usually unsolicited critique. And those on the receiving end of our efforts are rarely the better for it. The best way to skillfully offer constructive criticism depends heavily on the nature of the relationships and personalities of any given situation. But there are some basics rules of the road that go a long way toward ensuring that the next time you share challenging feedback, you’ll be able to speak in a way that can truly be heard—and maybe even welcomed! For starters, let’s get clear on the value of constructive criticism. Next time the critical urge comes over you, confirm that your intentions are sound. Your criticism should be intended to: • Provide feedback that enhances job results • Create the opportunity for personal and/or professional development • Reduce stress and create psychological security by identifying a challenge and helping the individual move through it • Improve an interpersonal relationship, or • Help develop an improved family or organizational climate Now, assuming your pearls of wisdom pass this first gauntlet and your criticism if expertly wielded could inaugurate and encourage meaningful and important change, then you need to follow these: Rules of the Road for the Giver: • Give criticism in private Never, ever criticize in public. Make this a mantra whether you’re talking to your child, your colleague a member of your staff or a close friend. • Focus on the problem, not on the person’s personality. Even if the ‘problem’ from your point of view is that the individual is intrinsically bossy or careless or thoughtless, you need to frame your conversation in terms of the problem that has occurred not in terms of their DNA makeup. • Do not use a threatening tone of voice or language that is mean spirited, sarcastic or intimidating. • Give criticism soon after the event. Address problems as they occur. Don’t let a situation fester. • Stick to one subject. Resist the urge to ‘batch’ a bunch of unrelated criticisms together. • Avoid overstating the problem by using words like “always,” “never,” “worst.” Your goal is to create an environment where listening, learning and actual behavioral change are possible. Don’t box people in with language that causes them to focus on why you’re wrong. “I don’t always” come in late—I was on time yesterday and on Monday.” Hmmm that wasn’t exactly where you trying to head the discussion, was it? • Calibrate the fervor of your criticism appropriately to the misbehavior at hand. “Do not use a hatchet to remove a fly from your friend’s forehead.” • Listen to their side of the story. • Evaluate those whom you manage not merely by their present level of excellence but by the distance they have already come. • Consider your counsel unsuccessful unless the person leaves feeling they have been helped. It is definitely easier to give than to receive where criticism is concerned. So, if you’re on the receiving end you’ve got a few rules of the road too. • Welcome feedback. • Listen to the criticism without defensiveness. • Maintain eye contact and open body language as you listen. • Restate the criticism to make sure you understand it. • View the criticism as an attempt—however well or poorly delivered—to fix a problem. Focus on the gold. • Discuss possible solutions to each criticism. • If you truly believe the criticism to be unjust, calmly and honestly share your side of the story. • Say ‘Thanks.’ Though the word may stick in your throat -- especially if the criticism has been poorly administered – cough it up anyway. A ‘thank-you’ goes a long way towards keeping relationships in tact and functioning smoothly. Next time you notice that someone in your world requires some course correction, take a deep breath and see if you can administer the medicine so deftly that it doesn’t hurt at all.