“It is better to swallow words than to have to eat them later "
Franklin D. Roosevelt

Dealing with difficult people is part of life. Every office, every family, every schoolyard reminds us that there are very different operating systems at work in different people. There are men and women who say mean things, undermine co-workers, slash and burn staff at public meetings, fail to deliver and pass the buck. The list goes on and on. These folks are in the minority, thankfully, but they take up a lot of emotional energy and can stop us in our tracks.

Many people are undone by challenging people. They have no verbal training for appropriate response. They get tongue-tied, humiliated, hurt and angry and instead of dealing with the individual who has made them feel bad, they go to silence. They fume internally or woefully share the injustices with friends, spouses and co-workers who can do no more than listen attentively, and sigh with empathy.

Most businesses have the following folks somewhere in the mix: Prima Donnas demand attention by showing off and expecting special behavior. Team Brats generally have a chip on their shoulder and feel the team (or world) owes them something. Blowhards cannot stop dominating team activities—they take the limelight from everyone and create group meetings where only one voice is heard. Team Jerks are often a team’s most talented member or they have made some fantastic contribution—that’s why people put up with their arrogance, rude behavior and generally horrendous social skills.

I am always shocked by how easily people will give away their personal dignity by enabling the difficult people of the world to hold court and lob grenades with no worry about impact and sometimes even glee at the outcome.

But what’s a non-difficult person to do? Surely firing back an obnoxious riposte will serve no good purpose, and neither will vicious emails or voice messages that carry just the snide and derisive tone you wish you could have mustered in the moment.

For those of you who were hoping I was about to dispense some great verbal barbs for your arsenal, I am sorry to disappoint. Responding with anger puts you in danger and will not serve to alter the person’s behavior one iota. Your best bet will always be to choose to be kind, to use non-combat strategies to speak up for yourself and to grow the muscle of responding to insults and hurtful language instead of retreating into silence and slack-jawed disbelief.

10 Rules of the Road for dealing with life’s difficult people:

1. When insulted, refrain from blurting back the first rejoinder that comes to mind. Think before you speak. Choose your words with care but do speak.

2. Take a second to see things from their perspective—if you were in their shoes why might you be as exasperated or angry as they are now? Ask yourself: why are they being difficult? Try empathy—you might find a better way to respond if you can understand their pain or fear.

3. ‘But what if they’re wrong?’ you ask. Then you must find an opportunity and the right words to offer your perspective. But don’t engage emotionally. There is rarely a winner in the word war and often relationships deteriorate further. If the person who is wrong, is senior to you and is well dug in on his position even after your brilliant explanation of your perspective, you must let it go. Drop the bone and move on.

4. What if you’re in the wrong and the office brat or prima donna is taking pot shots at you? Ignore the verbal abuse, rise above the chatter. Take ownership of the error, apologize and take immediate corrective action.

5. Find ways to disagree without being disagreeable. When a conversation does not need to lead to a decision, do not allow the disagreement to gather steam. Instead say: “you know, we’re both right in different ways and you’re about as likely to convince me as I am to convince you. Let’s let this one go.”

6. Choose silence intentionally as your ally. This is quite different than going quiet because you are hurt or insulted. Choose silence when speaking will make matters worse. Circle back to the person when tempers are calm and share your perspective. Brats and blowhards may be quite uninterested in what you have to say. Nonetheless, you do need to say whatever is in your mind or your heart otherwise you are a doormat.

7. When you don’t know what to say, when you feel anger rising in your gorge, volley this simple question back: “What do you mean?” This question will buy you time to simmer down and offer you both the chance to understand what is really going on.

8. If you find yourself in an argument that is increasing in velocity and venom and where a solution needs to be found, use the umpire’s Time Out hand signal to shift the energy and say. “Let’s not argue. Let’s look for a solution that will work. What do you say?”

9. Document difficult behavior. Take verbatim notes of disrespectful language and behavior. Sometimes the mere fact of taking these notes is enough to get the other person to reconsider their behavior and language. If not, your accurate notes provide solid documentation to HR about the behavior of your manager or a peer.

10. Choose your battles carefully before you speak up:

a. Is it trivial? If so, let it roll off your back.
b. Is it a persistent problem? Definitely address it.
c. Is the behavior intentional or innocent?
d. If you step into the battle, is there an outcome you can see where the situation will change? If not, don’t go near it.

Now all this is quite easy to write about and of course quite challenging when you have been insulted, challenged, treated with disrespect or unkindness. Nonetheless, at work and home these folks are here to stay and stoking the fires will not create clarity or calm. If you can find your way to empathy, humor, curiosity and even kindness, while you may not change a brat or a jerk into Mother Teresa, you may find a way to work with them without blowing a gasket and come home smiling instead of fuming.

The best leaders of all, the people know not they exist.
They turn to each other and say ‘We did it ourselves.’
~ Zen Saying

Dina Silver, MCC, is the Principal of Pegasus Coaching Group.

I specialize in leadership coaching working with senior executives and their teams to create great leaders and high impact groups. I have enjoyed success working with technically proficient people who need guidance in developing the interpersonal skills that are essential to effective and compelling leadership.

My background in the entertainment industry as a feature film and interactive game producer effectively assists me in helping leaders develop powerful executive presence so that ideas and challenging initiatives are met with keen interest and excitement. In order to lead, people must be excited to follow!

I have enjoyed trusted advisor status with high performance individuals, teams and organizations, coaching in high tech, entertainment, banking, and marketing.

I hold a B.A. in United States History from Princeton University. I am a Master Certified Coach (MCC) and hold my credentialing through the International Coach Federation. In addition, I am certified in a range of assessment tools including DISC and PIAV, and am an active member of Professional Coaches and Mentors Association (PCMA) and the International Coach Federation (ICF). I am married, have two teenage kids, two fat black cats and live in Santa Monica, CA.

If you are interested in learning more about how my work may be of value to you and your organization, please get in touch. I am happy to offer interested prospects a complimentary and confidential half hour coaching session so you can take me and coaching for a test drive.