The greatest discovery of my generation is
that human beings can alter their lives by
altering their attitudes of mind."
--William James

Just last weekend, I was sitting in a wonderful, historic music venue in Austin, Texas. The place, called Antone’s, bills itself as ‘the home of the blues.’ The space is a cavernous warehouse with a raised stage, folding chairs that you grab for yourself behind a black curtain, the occasional small table, a guy polishing cowboy boots in the back. Bare bones, nothing fancy. You go to hear amazing music and to get up and dance if the music calls to you.

We were lucky to find space right up front—maybe 10 feet from the stage – and soaked in the energy of the room while we waited for the first act to begin. The band assembled. The lead singer was a woman with an ugly scowl, an amazing voice and a number of records to her credit. Over the next 45 minutes her negative energy was so palpable that every conversation within earshot revolved around what was making her so ticked off. She sighed, she frowned, she put her hands on her hips with exasperation, she even glared at her audience. I don’t think she smiled once. With an attitude like that, I’d be singing the blues too!

Who knows what had upset her, but her behavior was disappointing, unprofessional and a complete turnoff. Voting with their feet, people left before the set was over. We stayed, fascinated to watch all the ways this talented woman sabotaged herself and lost her audience. We were rewarded for our peculiar and uncharacteristic patience by the act that followed her which was so astonishing in its power, virtuosity and delightful energy that the whole place was smiling and up dancing within minutes.

If you’re wondering how I’m going to link ‘lady sings the blues’ to leadership coaching, let me give it a whirl.

Our energy is palpable. Our joy, our disappointment, our sorrow, our frustration pour off of us and impact the spaces we inhabit and the people we connect with. There are times, of course, when it is our clear intention to communicate our emotions to others so that they understand where we stand and what we feel. It is a gift to share emotional honesty and create deeper connection.

The problem occurs when we are unconscious of our impact on others, when we allow ourselves to be emotional sinkholes. Professional behavior demands emotional self management. Don’t think for a minute that people are not profoundly affected by your moods or that how you are feeling doesn’t impact how you are working.

Emotional self management is the ability to keep our emotions and impulsive feelings under control. It enables us to handle provocation with restraint, to deal gracefully when faced with opposition or hostility from others, and to work under pressure with calm, focus and productive energy.

Emotional self management hinges on emotional awareness – recognizing our emotions and their effects. This basic level of emotional awareness is the cornerstone of emotional intelligence (EQ), and as all of us know, no matter how high the IQ, if a person’s EQ is low, they are usually tough to work with or for.

So next time you are in a bad mood, check out your EQ by running through this simple exercise:

• Identify with as much specificity as possible what emotion you are feeling. This sounds easy, but there are crucial differences between for example, anger and frustration, disgust and disappointment, relief and happiness. Naming your emotion accurately is a critical first step.
• Get clear on why you are experiencing the emotion. What happened? What is true and what are you imagining or assuming?
• Notice how what you are feeling is influencing what you are thinking, doing and saying. Make sure you are not transferring what you are feeling onto unrelated issues and people.

Now back to my blues singer. Who knows what occurred. Maybe something very sad or bad happened to her that day. Maybe she had a row with the management at Antone’s just before she went on stage. Maybe she’s just a crabby person! But regardless of what occurred, if she were on top of her EQ game, she wouldn’t have taken it out on her audience and none of us would have been the wiser. Who knows – if she had been able to separate her cruddy mood from her eager audience, she might even have enjoyed herself and sung herself back to a happier place.

The best leaders of all, the people know not they exist.
They turn to each other and say ‘We did it ourselves.’
~ Zen Saying

Dina Silver, MCC, is the Principal of Pegasus Coaching Group.

I specialize in leadership coaching working with senior executives and their teams to create great leaders and high impact groups. I have enjoyed success working with technically proficient people who need guidance in developing the interpersonal skills that are essential to effective and compelling leadership.

My background in the entertainment industry as a feature film and interactive game producer effectively assists me in helping leaders develop powerful executive presence so that ideas and challenging initiatives are met with keen interest and excitement. In order to lead, people must be excited to follow!

I have enjoyed trusted advisor status with high performance individuals, teams and organizations, coaching in high tech, entertainment, banking, and marketing.

I hold a B.A. in United States History from Princeton University. I am a Master Certified Coach (MCC) and hold my credentialing through the International Coach Federation. In addition, I am certified in a range of assessment tools including DISC and PIAV, and am an active member of Professional Coaches and Mentors Association (PCMA) and the International Coach Federation (ICF). I am married, have two teenage kids, two fat black cats and live in Santa Monica, CA.

If you are interested in learning more about how my work may be of value to you and your organization, please get in touch. I am happy to offer interested prospects a complimentary and confidential half hour coaching session so you can take me and coaching for a test drive.