Everybody wants to be living a life that feels great-a life of meaning and delight that resonates with a sense of wholeness and harmony. Part of the difficulty in finding a fulfilling life starts with where we are looking. When we look for ways to have a fulfilling life, we look to what we have and what we don't have. We see the gap and look to plug it. It's pretty easy to spend a lot of time paying attention to what we don't have. We want a bigger house, a nicer car, more money in the bank, a husband, a wife, a child, a bigger office, a snazzier title and on and on.

Coaching creates a different framework for what fulfillment is all about, and that's what I'd like to share this Thanksgiving month.

Coaches ask their clients to look at what it would take to be fulfilled. This is a very different question from "what do you need to have a fulfilling life?" The coaching perspective suggests that fulfillment is not a destination—"I'll be fulfilled when I'm married and own my own home," or "I'll be fulfilled when my business has doubled and I've got $200,000 in the bank." Having things provides satisfaction that is fleeting. So long as we look for ways to have a fulfilling life, we are helping ourselves to food from a buffet where the display is exquisite but the food provides no nourishment. We eat and eat and eat and are still hungry and don't know why.

Instead of waiting to get to that mythic land of fulfillment, the underlying assumption behind the coaching perspective is that it is possible to actually be fulfilled every single day—even when we're sad and the road is a very bumpy one—so long as we are focused on what is truly valuable and meaningful to us.

Are you wondering how a person can possibly feel fulfilled when life is difficult, challenging, uncomfortable? For starters, make sure you're not confusing fulfillment with feeling good. The two conditions may coexist, but they don't have to. Some people will say that the times when they felt most fulfilled were times when they had the least, when life was a struggle. Why? Because they were doing something that was important to them—something that they were passionate about. Even in the middle of scarcity they found abundance. This doesn't mean they felt good all the time! Learning, stretching and challenging ourselves can be scary, uncomfortable and even painful. But it can be deeply fulfilling at the very same time.

Looking at our lives from the perspective of being fulfilled rather than having fulfillment doesn't mean that we stop wanting to have things—successful businesses, more money, remodeled kitchens, snazzy cars. The difference is that now these things are not the means to fulfillment. If we're honest with ourselves, we all know this from experiences in our own lives. Remember the last time you really wanted something—a new car, a beautiful new pair of expensive shoes, a promotion—and you got it? How long did the sense of pure delight and well being last before the glow faded and you started looking around for the next fix? A week? A month? Stuff can never fill us up. We've got to find the source of what fills us deep within ourselves.

Fulfillment is intensely personal and constantly evolving. What was fulfilling at 25 may have little bearing on what animates us when we are 40. So we need to be willing to look closely at what works and reevaluate when we begin to feel that our lives are not a good expression of who we really are.

Coaches use a number of tools to help clients gain clarity on their own definition of what fulfills them. This work is a crucial foundation to a rich coaching relationship. Clients make the best choices for their lives when these choices correlate with what is truly fulfilling to that individual. Once fulfillment is clearly defined by the client, choices that once looked inviting may lose their allure—they just don't measure up when measured against what the client is now looking for.

The Wheel of Life is a great coaching tool. Clients see for themselves, in a graphic way, the parts of their lives where they are unfilled as well as the parts of their lives where they feel truly content. Here's how to do the exercise:

1. Copy the wheel onto a piece of paper so you can do the exercise.

2. Consider the center of the wheel as 0 and the outer edge as 10. Now make your way around each of the eight sections by asking yourself "How fulfilled am I in this area of my life?" Rank your level of satisfaction with each area of your life by drawing a line to create a new rim. Let's say you're deeply dissatisfied by your career—and you decide your level of fulfillment in this area is a 3. You would draw an arc across the career wedge very close to the center of the wheel. Make your way around the entire wheel, honestly rating your level of fulfillment in each of the quadrants. If you're like most people, the new rim of your wheel will be pretty bumpy! Some areas of your life will be great and other areas need some work.

3. In the areas of your life which leave you feeling dissatisfied, take the time to think through the following question: What would a fulfilled life look like in this area? Make sure you're not asking yourself "what do I need to have in order to be fulfilled in this area." The further you probe, the closer and closer you will come to an honest definition of what fulfills you.

The Wheel of Life

About My Coaching:
As a personal, professional and executive coach, it is my goal to bring dynamic leadership, a compassionate heart, and powerful insight to the lives of my coaching clients. I work to help clients identify and pursue what is deeply meaningful in their lives, and collaborate with them to transform vague yearnings or explicit goals into realities.

You can count on me to challenge you, inspire you and support you. I will be a relentless advocate of your dreams and ambitions and help you take bold steps with your life.

My Background:
I am an optimist with a penchant for finding solutions to complex problems in unexpected places. The daily opportunity to use my pragmatism, smarts, humor and heart to help people create lives they truly love gives me tremendous joy.

After graduating from Princeton University, I spent almost 20 years as a feature film, video and CD ROM producer guiding projects to success. By the late 1990's, I decided to channel my action-oriented approach to life into coaching, with the express goal of helping people live lives by design and not default. I completed my professional training at The Coaches Training Institute in San Rafael, California.

Call me at (310) 393-8082 for a free 1/2-hour coaching session to explore how coaching may benefit you.

Contact Information:
Dina Silver
361 21st Street
Santa Monica, CA 90402
Phone: 310.393.8082
Fax: 310.395.7999
dinasil@earthlink.net