Last week my son got so mad at me I thought he might blow a gasket. He had been trying to persuade me that a summer reading and writing requirement which I was insisting on, was an unbearable assault on his happiness and on his right to be a carefree 10 year old. I could hear the despair and longing for his cherished freedom as he begged: "Summer is for playing, Mom. I work hard all year and I shouldn't have to do ANYTHING I don't want to during my vacation."

That last comment just about sent me over the edge. I did a quick scan of all the things I do during my day that I would prefer to jettison. I located my self-righteous hat, noticed how perfectly it fit, and launched my return volley—steam rolling easily over his yearning for unstructured time: "You're being ridiculous. All you have to do is 15 minutes a day—it's not even going to make a dent in your summer." And then, my very grown-up kicker: "And do you have any idea how many things I do every day that I'd rather not have to do?" Impressive parenting, don't you think?

"YOU'RE NOT LISTENING TO ME, MOM!" he yelled.

Well, that took the wind right out of my sails. He was right. I took a deep breath, locked my tongue safely behind the gates, and went beyond hearing his words—I tried to listen to what was beneath, and we found our way to a compromise that was OK all around.

Have you ever noticed how many people listen with their mouths? They think they're listening, but really what they're doing is waiting for a break in traffic—a pause as you catch your breath—to pull onto the conversational highway and join the flow.

Most of us listen superficially—we get the gist and not the heart of what's being said. We focus on what we'll say as soon as it's polite to interject, and then we launch into a similar story about us! "Oh yeahÖ that reminds me of the time," or "you think you're stressed out, you wouldn't believe my day." Other times when we're hearing something tough to swallow or uncomfortable, we take it personally, get defensive, judge, disengage.

"Don't interrupt, it's not polite" may be the only entry many of us have in our 'good listening' rule books. It's the easy default—we think we're doing a pretty good job since we're 'letting them talk.' But, in the same way elevator music can never hold a candle to the real thing, lite—listening fails to deliver too.

So what's good listening and why is it worth it?

• Be Curious. Get details. Ask provocative questions that allow the speaker to share himself. Go beyond the surface, dig a little deeper. Expect to walk away with a treasure—something you didn't know. Your questions and probing let the speaker know you're interested and allow him to explore his own experience more deeply too.
• Stop taking care of their feelings. If someone is expressing a powerful emotion, let him. Instead of trying to solve the problem, or take care of the feeling, just listen. Lean in, make eye contact, turn off your brain and open up your heart. Your partner will feel heard and truly understood. Not everything needs to be fixedÖor can be.
• Let go of your agenda. This is a really hard one. Even if the conversation is uncomfortable and you hate what you're hearing; even if what you're hearing is absolutely ridiculous and patently absurd; take a step back and see what you can from the other person's eyeballs. Throwing verbal grenades at each other as you each defend your respective turf gets you nowhere fast. And anyway, there's always the outside chance that you're the one who's ridiculous and absurd.

This exercise gives a playful twist to the "walk in the other guys' shoes" challenge. So next time you're feuding with a friend, a colleague, a lover or a child try opening up your ears by moving your legs first.

When you are having trouble hearing what's being said, sit in the other person's chair, literally. Get up, walk over, ask them to swap seats with you so you are literally sitting in each other's places. Enjoy the tentative smiles that emerge as you maneuver your bodies into the other person's worldview and show your commitment to exploring his point of view.

Once you're seated and comfy, take a breath and see what things feels like from over here. Continue the conversation/argument/battle from this perspective. If you can let go of being 'right' for a few minutes, you will hear and understand a lot more—guaranteed! And so will they.

One of the tools in a coach's kit is what we call the Powerful Question. It's a big one with surprising impact. We use these questions to spark introspection, rethinking, new awareness or new possibilities. A fresh perspective is often the catalyst for change and action. Take a look at the relationships in your life and focus on one where there's some friction—you want it one way, they see things differently. Ask yourself this question:

How can we explore our differing viewpoints so that our relationship
is enlarged and not diminished?

About My Coaching:
As a personal, professional and executive coach, it is my goal to bring dynamic leadership, a compassionate heart, and powerful insight to the lives of my coaching clients. I work to help clients identify and pursue what is deeply meaningful in their lives, and collaborate with them to transform vague yearnings or explicit goals into realities.

You can count on me to challenge you, inspire you and support you. I will be a relentless advocate of your dreams and ambitions and help you take bold steps with your life.

My Background:
I am an optimist with a penchant for finding solutions to complex problems in unexpected places. The daily opportunity to use my pragmatism, smarts, humor and heart to help people create lives they truly love gives me tremendous joy.

After graduating from Princeton University, I spent almost 20 years as a feature film, video and CD ROM producer guiding projects to success. By the late 1990's, I decided to channel my action-oriented approach to life into coaching, with the express goal of helping people live lives by design and not default. I completed my professional training at The Coaches Training Institute in San Rafael, California.

Call me at (310) 393-8082 for a free 1/2-hour coaching session to explore how coaching may benefit you.

Contact Information:
Dina Silver
361 21st Street
Santa Monica, CA 90402
Phone: 310.393.8082
Fax: 310.395.7999
dinasil@earthlink.net