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NPR not withstanding, I don't think most folks choose
to be invisible—the condition creeps up until they are
swallowed whole and consider their self-effacing behavior to
be normal.
 Here are some tell-tale signs that the
cloak of invisibility may be settling comfortably around your
shoulders:
You hang on the
periphery—of
parties, meetings—of groups in general. You write this off to
being shy. In fact, sometimes you are so quiet that others
might not even remember that you were there.
When someone hurts your feelings or
offends you, you grin and bear it. You
rationalize that 'it's not worth making a big stink about it'
or 'they didn't mean to be hurtful' or 'what's the point of
bringing it up-they're not going to change.'
You have a tough time saying
"NO," and as a result spend chunks of your life
doing things you'd rather not. Even though you're swamped by
other people's issues, stuff and tasks, you keep on saying
'yes' to the next thing. You know secretly that filling your
plate this way allows you to focus everywhere but on your own
dreams and goals.
You don't ask for what you need in
your personal relationships and as a
result friends and lovers 'fail' you in a variety of ways.
You don't know how to toot your own
horn (in fact the phrase makes your skin crawl!)
and allow others to steal your hard-earned limelight.
People have little sense of how much effort you put into
projects because you are always either minimizing the work or
generously crediting others for work you have done.
You cannot clearly articulate your own
short or long term goals but
happily pour precious energy into helping friends and loved
ones achieve theirs.
You over-apologize for the smallest
indiscretion.
The list could continue for quite a while, but I think
the point is made. Now here's the tricky place-if you found
yourself talking back to this list saying: "well, I do hang on
the periphery but I am shy" or "horn tooters make me sick" or
"I know I have a hard time saying "no" but what's the big
deal, it feels good to be helpful," you might be being honest
and still be showing up pretty small in your life.
We all
have distinct personalities and behavioral styles. There are
introverts and extroverts, there are leaders and team players,
there are forceful and gentle souls. Yet in every single
category I have coached people who are 'invisible.' So don't confuse being
loud with being present, or being silent with
invisibility. Being visible in our own lives
has nothing to do with being a blow-hard.
 Visibility hinges on two key
elements:
- Knowing what is important to you, and
- Standing up for yourself around those issues. Always.
There are many moments in our lives when we truly don't
need to be seen or heard-issues about which we are not
concerned, dinner plans where it doesn't matter which
restaurant, company decisions that don't impact us. But most
of us know in our gut when something is on the line—when
something actually matters to us. We know because we feel bad,
upset, on-edge, disgruntled. We know because we feel tight in
our throats, our stomachs churn, our shoulders tighten.
If you don't know what is important to you or are
having a hard time making a distinction between the small
stuff and the big stuff take yourself to a peaceful place and
get quiet. You need to reconnect with you. Nobody else can do
this work for you. Ask yourself what truly matters right now
in your life and listen for the answers.
Assuming you do know what is meaningful to you then you
have to get clear on how to take a stand for these values. If
you're boss is disrespectful and you suffer this abuse
quietly, you are fading away into the land of invisibility. If
you make your boundaries respectfully clear to this rude
employer you model the behavior you require. You have taken a
stand for kindness, respect and dignity. You become very, very
visible.
Yes there is risk. Your boss may prefer employees who
suck it up with a smile and she may show you to the door. The
truth is there is risk either way-risk your job or your self
respect.
Living visibly requires guts. It requires a commitment
to yourself that is big and bold and sometimes scary. But
living invisibly is kind of like eating sugarless, flourless
cookies. They may look like cookies but there's no way they
can satisfy like the real thing.
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As a personal and executive coach, it is
my goal to bring dynamic leadership, a compassionate heart and
powerful insight to the lives of my coaching clients. I work
to help clients identify and pursue what is deeply meaningful
in their lives and their businesses, and collaborates with
them to transform vague yearnings or explicit goals into
realities.